I've watched enough reality TV to consider myself an expert on the subject. I've understood for years that you don't have to have any talent at all aside from being a really fucked up individual. Or be surrounded by really fucked up individuals. In this case, I qualify in both categories.
I've done some pretty amazingly retarded things over the years. Most recently I've gotten sucked in by my older sister (the childhood came rushing back) on a dare. The dare was to take half of a full roll of Bubble Tape, split it between us and chew it completely soft without spitting it out, throwing up, or swallowing it. It's harder than you think. Mostly I just spewed little bits of sweet, sticky saliva all over the place while laughing like an idiot.
I know you think that's not so bad. Well it was my daughters and she asked for some before bed and I yelled, "NO" and then turned around and stole it due to this stupid dare. She woke up the next day looking for it and when I told her what I did and why she didn't have it anymore, she looked at me like a whooped puppy to which I replied, "grow up, it's just gum". Really? Her grow up? Who's the asshole who stole their kids candy to participate in some middle school dare?
On a regular basis, here are a few things the camera would catch me doing:
1. Pissing all over myself when I'm throwing up
2. Getting hammered and making inappropriate comments about illegal immigrants
3. Talking my kids into rubbing my feet and laughing when they complain that they're "snaggy"
4. Crushing up my sister-in-laws Xanax and spiking my hubbies tea when I think he's being a pissy douche (he caught me, he was pissed)
5. When people tell me their gay, I go into my elaborate story about an "experimental" phase when I was 19
6. Going on a camping trip with friends and throwing handfuls of moss and slimy lake vegetation at the drunkest friend who has no idea where it's coming from
7. Telling hubby to try on my thongs to see if it will turn me on (he did it, and it didn't)
8. Talking so loudly about those damn Democrats at the voting polls that people actually walk out
9. Getting hammered and talking my hubby and some friends into breaking into the barn on the property next to the house (cause I swear no one's been there for years) and making out with some sweet DVD's and a dresser
10. Trying to be sexy for hubby and leaning over the back of the couch and the son of bitch snaps in two
Here is a list of things the fucked up individuals in my life have done that the camera would catch:
1. People wrecking out on motorcycles in my driveway because they don't know how to pull onto a rock driveway
2. Running after someone at the races intending to kick their ass but their shorts fall down around their ankles and they trip and eat gravel instead
3. On a river trip, a friend decides to drink moonshine with a group of Navy boys at a bachelor party and ends up jumping on top of coolers and squatting to pee
4. Get invited to a party and walk in on the couple fighting and the hubby flips the kitchen table into the sliding glass door, sees you, then says, "hey y'all come in and have a drink with us?"
5. Having your fully-dressed neighbor disappear for a few hours only for them to reappear in socks, shoes, and underwear
6. Taking a friend to another friends house only for them to fall asleep and you walk into the room to find a dog humping their face vigorously and when you pick the dog up, it's wet underneath
7. Having a friend climb up the step ladder to your above-ground pool and falls through the top and gets stuck
8. High school reunion 2009. There isn't enough room for all of that. It was nuts
9. Watching your cousin roll up catnip in Bible paper and smoking it because SURELY if it gets cats fucked up, maybe we're missing out
10. Beer store is closed. You want beer. Your friends have a solution. Need I say more. They did leave money for the beer, smokes, and cost of the window
If you notice I didn't drop names but you know who you are!
So TLC, get ready to write the check. Honey Boo Boo, suck an egg!
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